and the award for longest labor that didnt actually result in a baby goes to

Tuesday, May 3:5:00pm: At the salon for a last-minute pre-baby highlight and trim, I went to the bathroom and had my bloody show (don’t worry – it’s a wiki link, not an image). Giggled to myself about the timing, then went and got my hairs did. Was having a few attention-grabbing contractions by the end of the appointment.8:00pm: At home, texted my doula to give her a little heads up, ate a good second dinner, noticed that the contractions were every 10min. Got in the bath.9:00pm: The bath really strengthened things, stronger contractions coming 5-8 minutes, but really still not stopping me in my tracks. I wondered to myself – was it really this easy last time? I know I didn’t have the ‘yelling curse words at my husband’ experience many claim to have, but were the contractions this manageable?10:30pm: Laying in bed, having made the hospital bags official (added tooth brushes and the everyday stuff), I noticed how much the contractions (still 8ish min apart) were radiating through my lower back. No fun. Could not get comfortable laying down for the life of me.Wednesday, May 4:12:00am: Got back in the bath. Helped my back pain some, but what I really wanted to do was sleep.2:00am: Was finally exhausted enough to fall asleep in bed. At this point Dan had been sleeping for nearly 4 hours.4:00am: Woken by contractions, still only medium strength and still 8min apart. Stayed in bed and relaxed.6:00am: Got up and ate breakfast. We decided that Dan should stay home from work.6:20am: Threw up breakfast.7:00am: Decided to try to get things moving. Sat on the birth ball, walked around the house, called Grandma to come babysit.8:00am: Grandma arrived. OBaby was still asleep but DanO and I went in, snuggled him and said goodbye before we left for hospital. Absolutely precious moments. It was a beautiful day to have a baby.8:30ish am: Arrived at the hospital. Was given a run around because of transferring care late in the pregnancy. Long story short, was told that I might be considered as officially having “no care provider” and would have my delivery attended by an OB/GYN I’d never met rather than the midwife, per hospital protocol.9:00am: Cried my ever loving eyes out to the midwife on call. Devastated beyond belief and in complete emotional turmoil. To make things worse, Gummybear, who had been determined to be posterior at this point, was moving around a LOT, probably trying to get in a better position for birth. Because he was moving so much, they were having a hard time (read: impossibly hard time) getting a solid 20 minute heart rate reading. (This hospital really is wonderful – they don’t assume fetal monitoring throughout the labor, they just want a good read when you check in and then you are cord-free).10:00am: With the stress of not being able to get Gummy’s heart rate (That feeling in the pit of your stomach? Scary freaking stuff.) and the shock of being told I might not be allowed to birth with whom I wanted… labor came to a screeching halt (not surprisingly).11:00am: My sweet midwife pulled some strings/worked some magic/played it smart and made it so that we could be officially under a Midwife’s care for the birth. Probably one of the biggest feelings of relief I have felt in recent memory. At this point though, labor wasn’t progressing, it was sunny out, I was hungry and tired, and I wanted to be home. So we got discharged and left.12:00pm: Chipotle burritos, all around.1:00pm: Went home to labor. Saw OBaby for a little bit after his nap, but then Nana took him to her house because the show was, for all intents and purposes, still on the road, it was just going to be a long road.1:30pm-4:00pm: DanO and I both rested/napped. My contractions were still there, mostly 10min apart, but still just not knocking the wind out of me.4:00pm: A friend whom I had met once (but chatted with regularly) who is a doula and a child birth educator came over to our house. She had offered to help work with me on back labor pain and to labor in some positions that would help baby be able to turn from posterior. It was great and much needed hands-on help. (Her name is Veronica, she is amazing, and you can follow her on twitter here.)(Please note how close we are to 24 hours after the incident in the salon bathroom. I believe in eternity BECAUSE I HAVE LIVED IT.)5:45pm: I threw up in front of Veronica. A bonding experience to say the least. We then continued to labor and work to open up my pelvis for baby to move, until she noticed that I was exhausted (true). She told us both to rest, gave me some amazing lavender lotion, and left as peacefully as she had come.6:30pm: Nana brought OBaby home for the night because we missed him and because things just really weren’t progressing. Since vomiting, my contractions had nearly stopped. It was family movie night, although I spent much of it in bed where I was more comfortable.8:00pm: 24 hours after contractions had started, they were overall no stronger and not significantly closer together. This is where I start to get mad. I may have said something on twitter about wanting to assault someone. I don’t really remember, and besides a woman is not accountable for what she does after 24 hours of labor/false labor/contractions/WHO KNOWS WHAAAAAAT.9:00-10:30pm: DanO and I made it our top priority to get me relaxed. It was time for this labor to poop or get off the pot. He gave me a lavender lotion back rub. I took a bath. He read out loud to me. I had some tea. I laid in bed and felt more peaceful than I had in a long time.11:00pm: Epic, searing heartburn that made it impossible to lay flat. I shook my fists at heaven, feeling perhaps a wee bit like I was being toyed with. DanO and I got up and watched The Princess Bride. A few minutes in, I threw up (3rd time’s the charm?). Almost immediately, heartburn was gone.Thursday, May 5: (Our 4th wedding anniversary)12:30am: Went to bed, went to sleep (praise God).6:00am: DanO’s alarm went off. It was the first time I had even stirred since midnight, which meant that the contractions were either dulled or gone. I sent him to work and fell back asleep easily.10:00am: OBaby was sound asleep still (must have had a long day, too). I woke up on my own to find zero contractions and zero baby in my arms.10:10am: Cried. Ate girl scout cookies for breakfast.THE END.